Emotions Personal development

Reclaiming my anger, the gift of power

I am writing this as I was contemplating some spiritual ideas and especially the Reiki principles as a practitioner myself. The first Reiki principle is Just for today do not be angry ( or let go of anger in another version). When I came across it I found myself being…angry. But I just reclaimed my anger, why on Earth should I now let go of it? Let me explain.

The well-behaving, calm child

For my whole life, I was a calm person. In childhood I was nice, very quiet, smiling, kind and I was behaving well. I would never recall being angry. The first time I remember myself experiencing some sort of emotional irritation a little like anger and expressing it in front of my parents I was immediately shut down. What do you know about being angry? my father said to me when I was 12 years old. And I listened. Who was I to know about anger at 12 years old?

Years passed and I never got angry. Nor when my best friend’s lover has hit me in my arm as he assumed my friend left him because of me. Nor when my own boyfriend and later husband was attending my lectures at university as he wanted to make sure I was faithful. Nor when my boss was coming drunk at work and I and my colleagues had to work overtime because of him not doing his work. Nor when my father asked me to choose between studying for my master’s degree or getting married. Nor when my mother was obsessively texting me demanding my attention, my time and energy to make her feel less alienated.

I was NOT angry at all. I was experiencing a sense of unease, unfairness, feeling frustrated, like something wasn’t right. I was trying to keep the peace, to not get into trouble, not confront anyone and not put myself in a position that I thought it might be difficult. To stand up for myself. So I didn’t get angry.

The balanced adult

For so many years I didn’t know anger even existed. I couldn’t understand what it is. So, if you’d show me the Reiki principle Do Not Anger a couple of years ago, I would’ve laughed in your face. But I do not get angry, I am a balanced person, I would’ve said.

Repressed anger

This is a typical example of repressed emotion that plays a massive role in sending us the right signals about what happens in our lives. If I would’ve experienced anger I wouldn’t be aware of what was wrong. I would’ve known that violence is not acceptable, that control is not acceptable, that ignorance is not acceptable, not to mention manipulation.

Not being in touch with my anger actually allowed lots of abuse and unfair situations to happen in my life because I could no see them clearly. I was NOT in touch with my anger to learn about them.

I am sure in many situations experiencing anger can be even life saving for many. From my own experience not feeling anger is dangerous and inviting for all sorts of abuse. So yes, I can’t stand this principle of not being angry because I know not feeling anger is unhealthy and potentially damaging.

Healing the relationship with anger

For the first time, I was experiencing anger when I realised who was the man I was married to and how he was treating me. Shall I tell you that I stayed married to him for 10 years until I could see?

I remember I started my meditation practice, and I was working with a mentor who helped me raise my confidence and self esteem, and at that point I was able to see the truth and get angry. It didn’t last long but it was enough sparkle and energy in my anger to make me able to divorce after a while.

The second time when I got in touch with my anger was when I started to see the truth about my narcissistic parents. I remember myself desperate to manage my paralysing anxiety, coming home with deep depression after I visited them during my holiday. I felt something wasn’t right, I started to see that their behaviour wasn’t OK, but I wasn’t sure what that was. I followed a meditation/visualisation to cut the cords of attachment with them and during that meditation I was able to feel my anger for the first time.

I did not like it in the first instance. I wished to not feel it. But I did. Once awakened it didn’t go away and this was for the good. That was good, healing, healthy anger. That anger helped me see the abuse, that anger helped me set my boundaries, that anger helped me to reclaim my own power.

So yes, I am so proud, happy and I feel myself whole again reclaiming my anger. My anger is a precious gift, my warrior friend that shields my energy, it defends my boundaries, and helps me stand out for myself. It’s an unimaginable source of energy and the last thing I would ever want is to get rid of it.
I want my anger. I need my anger. I love it. And I own it. So be it!

Until next time,
Many blessings

Amelia Xx

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