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adhd mental health

Blog ramble – Depression, creativity, loss of purpose, and ADHD

I deleted this whole website 1 week ago. I wasn’t sure where I am heading, to be honest so needed to take a break, delete everything, resolve security issues and start fresh…

Why?

Because I felt my heart was no longer aligned with what I was doing. Every time I opened this blog I made changes, was never happy with how it looks…What I didn’t realise was that it wasn’t about the look itself.

It was about me.

Ever since last summer I started to question why I do what I do. Am I still a healer? Do I still want to be a healer? What if I am just a writer? Or teacher? Or blogger ? Or…

And on top of that, I love so many things. Not just healing, energy, my guides, people, and the planet. But I also love the day to day mundane, such as cleaning my flat, going for a walk and… doing business.

I love business as the expression of freedom, of crafting my own stuff, in service of others.

Spiritual business, self-imposed performance and depression

I learned a big lesson recently. It was the time of the third quarter Moon, the time of change. And I learned that my business started to take a form that I wasn’t too happy about.

Ever since the global pandemic started, I put too much pressure on it. I wanted it to go well, I wanted it to thrive. But I didn’t take into account that I wasn’t ready for such a quick move to do everything online.

Plus, I love working directly with people. I love every single bit of it: from organising sacred spaces to teaching, to holding the silence, to talking to people. All that suddenly has been taken from me overnight, when all this madness started.

I pretended I was well. I continued to holding the space online, in weekly healing ceremonies. I put my heart and soul to serve my tribe. I loved it. It gave me a purpose. It gave me joy.

But I wasn’t well.

I was depleted, tired, soon became depressed and had no energy left. I stayed hidden for months. Didn’t talk to anyone. Had very little interaction with people on and off.

Then the Winter came.

I entered into darkness even deeper. Woke-up in the mornings, in tears, with no energy to start my day. Lost enthusiasm for everything. Like it was nothing left to focus my energy on.

Creativity and ADHD

I suspected I had ADHD for a while. Ever since I wrote the article about my work burn-out ( well, one of them, I didn’t experience just one) I realised it was a pattern.

I was always the rebel. The novelty seeker. The one who can’t have a boss. The one who enjoys every single new project but gets bored once things become easy, once the challenge is no longer there.

My creativity hits at random, it’s never predictable, but can last up to 18 hours. I have days when I get so much done, literally a full week of work done in just one day. But that’s followed by long periods of resting and doing nothing, until I recover and start the cycle again.

I learned all these things about me since I became self-employed. I didn’t know why I wasn’t able to conform to a strict plan. I like to work. I LOVE my work. But don’t ask me to plan it.

Planning kills my creative flow.

If I sit at my computer in the morning, I definitely don’t need to know what I am doing. I’ll just start bits and bobs until suddenly, my guides are showing me the way.

Inspiration comes always unannounced. Sometimes is overwhelming. I have moments when my mind produces so many ideas that I can’t keep up to writing them down.

One day I started an idea book – just to have them written, in case I’ll ever want to follow up on any and start another, and another, and another….

But it was no point, the book became full in weeks. Can’t do everything in a lifetime. I need a couple of reincarnations to get everything done.

Last year was tough. I didn’t admit it. But I am determined to stop hiding these things. People will think I am perfect 🙂 but I am so far from that.

The whole Winter I didn’t do anything. From November to February, I didn’t write any new blog. I didn’t do any work. I didn’t make plans. Nor dreamed about anything.

The whole Winter I stayed with my darkness, I somehow learned to embrace it and accept it.

Getting my ADHD diagnostic in the UK

Then at the end of January, my ADHD diagnostic was confirmed. I was over the Moon. It felt like a relief. I never thought it was something ultimately wrong with me.

But getting the diagnostic gave me hope: that I could receive treatment, and bring more focused energy into my work and my projects. So I can actually complete the work that has to be done.

But who says which work has to be done? Never questioned that.

I always though I didn’t do enough.

Not enough writing, not enough social media, not enough talking to people.

Now 3 months since my diagnostic and failed treatment attempts, I realised this:

Shouldn’t I embrace myself fully? Why am I striving to do all those “shoulds”? Is this what I am teaching people? No. Then why am I demanding this from myself?

Today I made a decision:

To embrace myself and my ADHD fully.

ADHD, spirituality and fitting in

My neurodivergent brain serves me well.

It helps me write.

Paint.

Journey into other realms.

Connect with my guides with ease.

Heal people.

Chanel information.

Why on Earth I wanted to fit in? Why I wanted to do things like everyone else?

There are so many people who are putting so much efforts to learn and do what I do with so much ease.

I don’t have to fit in. I don’t even want to.

But it was nice to feel for a little while that I can be “normal” like other people, sit down at my desk, persevere in boring tasks ( why should I? ) and get things done.

So I decided to no longer take ADHD medication. It gave me really bad side effects, and I am not willing to pay the price.

What I want to do is to learn to manage ADHD naturally. I am looking into natural remedies and supplements to see what works. And together with diet and physical exercises, I am going to start a new journey.

I’ll keep you updated, perhaps some of you will benefit from this.

Until next time,

Many blessings
Amelia